Her own personal Hell
by Iris of Darkness2113
Summary: I swear, I'm going to update my JCS,gender swapped Judas fic! But I wanted you guys to see one of the original endings I had planned for the story, so enjoy! Please review! Rated T for mentions of suicide


**Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't updated some of my stuff in a while. I've been busy with school, even though it's only been two days. I will be updating my JCS fic soon as well as Wounds will Heal. What you're about to read though, is the original ending of my JCS fic that I've been working on, with Judas being gender swapped. So please enjoy and please review, I'd appreciate very much. JCS doesn't belong to me!**

"Jesus, why isn't Judas here with us?" Peter asked. Jesus smiled, but there was a trace of sadness in his eyes. "It pains me to say this, but Judas could not forgive herself for what she did. Even though it was all part of my Father's plan, she simply could not bring herself to forgive herself for her actions. Unfortunately, Judas is trapped. Trapped within herself, until that guilt and anger at herself fade, which may not be for a very long time."

"Are you saying, Judas, is in her own personal Hell?" Simon asked, his eyes widening upon realization. Jesus nodded. "Jesus," Mary's voice chimed in, "Please...Please try to help her." Jesus gazed at Mary with a look of sorrow. "I've tried many times, but no matter how many times, I try to get her to see the light, she won't accept it." Mary squeezed Jesus's hand. "Please. One more time. Judas needs you. Despite her saying otherwise, that girl needs you. Badly. Please Jesus, try one last time." Mary replied. After a moment of thought, Jesus nodded.

Judas's personal Hell, had worsened over the last ten years. It had been ten years since Jesus had tried to help her. Judas was trapped in everlasting blizzard. A never-ending land of snow and ice, that became stronger with every feeling of guilt. It took Jesus longer to find her this time, seeing the blizzard had become stronger and much worse then it was ten years ago. Sure enough, Jesus found her and Judas looked absolutely horrible. Her clothes had holes in them, her skin had a light blue tint to it, you could see where the rope dug into her neck when she hung herself, her hair had turned blindingly white, she was terrifyingly skinny and there were disturbing injuries from frostbite. Jesus was sure he could see frozen streaks of tears on Judas's face. For a slight second the blizzard slowed, but only for a moment. For the first time in years, a twinge of happiness struck Judas and the blizzard calmed for a minute. She had missed him so much. It was only when she realized why he was here, did the blizzard worsen once more. Why? Why did he have to keep coming here?! Couldn't he see that Judas only wanted to be left alone?! "_Yehuda_..." Jesus's said gently. There was no anger in his tone, no emotions of hate. Only gentleness and...Love. Hot tears formed in Judas's eyes, at the sound of Jesus's voice. They forced their way down her cheeks, only to freeze halfway down. "Go away, _Yeshua_!" Judas yelled. And so the battle began again.

"_Yehuda_, you must forgive yourself. I know how sorry you are. My Father knows how sorry you are. Please come away from this torment to where you rightfully belong." Judas groaned as more tears made their way down her face, freezing as they did so. "You don't get it do you?!" She practically screamed. "It's not just about my betrayal to you, that I can't forgive myself for! It's about _why _I betrayed you! I sold you out, because unlike everyone else, I didn't believe you were the messiah!" Judas's voice had risen to a hysterical pitch. "I was wrong _Yeshua_! You really are the Lord and I..I..." She could get no further words out, as sobs racked her entire body. Jesus gathered the crumpled, sobbing girl into his arms, onto his lap. He let her cry. He let her wail, scream, and curse. All of this needed to come out. If Judas had continued to go on like this, even her spirit would cease to exist. Even after this "emotional cleansing" one might call it, Judas was still unsure. "Let it go, _Yehuda_. It's time to come home." Jesus said after a moment of silence. To Jesus's shock, the blizzard became worse. Just when he thought he got through to her too. What was she feeling now. It was almost as though Jesus could _feel_ the self loathing, seeping out of Judas's pores. A sudden scream in her direction made Jesus snap out of his thoughts. He saw her clawing at her neck. No, she was clawing at something _on _her neck. "Get it off!" Judas screamed. "Get it _off_! Please get it off!" Jesus rushed to her aid immediately. When he touched whatever it was around Judas's neck, he was astonished to find, there was nothing around her neck that he could _see_. He did however feel, a tight rope around Judas's neck, and it got tighter by the second. Jesus suddenly realized two things could be going on, and both were horrific in their own way.

one: Judas's own emotions were causing almost a re-enactment like situation, of when she killed herself. Or two, the worst scenario: Her emotions of anger, guilt, remorse, among others, had reached their limit and were going to literally "kill" her, causing her to no longer exist. Jesus knew that Judas's was the only one who could get the invisible noose off her neck. Jesus watched as Judas was lifted into the air and hung on a nearby tree. It was their worst pain all over again. For Judas it was killing herself for her betrayal. For Jesus, it was watching his dear friend suffer. She was going to die again if this didn't stop! "_Yehuda_ please! If you can't forgive yourself, you're going to disappear!" Jesus shouted over the roaring wind. Judas was choking and coughing at this point. She could barely get words out. "I...don't...care!" She managed to say. Judas continued to speak between coughs and chokes, though it was hard for Jesus to understand. "You..may...have...forgiven me..." There was a desperate gasp for air, but it gave way to a fit of coughing. Judas was desperate to get these words out. "But...you...still...hate...me...don't you?" At those words, Jesus understood why Judas had stayed here for so long. It wasn't just those feelings of pent up anger and remorse, it was Judas thinking that Jesus hated her for what she did.

"_Yehuda_, I don't hate you!" Jesus cried, hoping that she would hear. Just when Judas had accepted this horrific fate, her eyes snapped open. "_What_?!" Judas shouted, or rather let out a strangled cry. "You didn't know did you?" Jesus asked, close to tears himself. "How could you know? You thought that I could never love you again for what happened, but that's wrong, _Yehuda_. I have always loved you and that will never change. I could never hate you." Those words had an instantaneous effect upon Judas. Jesus heard an audible snap, and Judas fell from the tree. The blizzard just froze. Nothing moved. She was greedily gulping in air and weeping, but the blizzard didn't move anymore. "Do you-Do you really mean that?" Judas asked through her tears. Jesus gave her a small smile. "I do. With all of my heart. Nothing you do, could ever cause me to hate you." At last, Judas cried out, "I'm sorry for not believing you!" She sobbed, running to Jesus arms. "No need to apologize, my friend. You've been forgiven since day one." Jesus replied. "Please take me away from here, _Yeshua_! I want to come home!" Judas sobbed. Jesus nodded, then they were both transported away from the pain and suffering, to the wonderful place known as Heaven. The rest of the disciples were overjoyed upon seeing their old friend again. Judas's appearance changed upon entering Heaven. Her skin went back to its original color, the rope marks disappeared, her hair reverted back to its dark brown coloring, the frost bite went away, and she had new clothes. The only thing noticeable about her appearance was how skinny she was, but that would change soon enough.

"Judas!" The disciples shouted, causing Judas to recoil. Judas looked at Jesus, unsure of what to do. "It'll be alright _Yehuda_. They don't hate you." Judas nodded and finally went to her friends for a long over due welcome home greeting. Jesus only smiled.

**Please let me know what you think! If you read this, I strongly suggest listening to a song called ** **Shiroi Fukei by Artery Vein while reading. It went really well with the mood of this fic, as I wrote it. Cool thing about this song is that it's in the anime Corpse Party Tortured Souls. It plays when the character Sachiko is appeased. For those of you wondering, no this is not inspired by Frozen, no matter how much I love it. I had this idea for an ending for a while, before Frozen came out.**


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